For whatever reason, there is this enormous stigma of leaving your classroom mid-year. It’s even bigger if you’re not leaving to move to another classroom or district.
I’ve read countless blog posts and social media threads about teachers essentially giving up on their kids if they leave the classroom, regardless of personal circumstances.
And I woke up today feeling like now is the time to share my story.
At the end of every school year, we have to determine if we want to sign our contracts to return next school year. So many of us are burnt out… teaching in our field is tough.
But no one really talks about leaving the classroom. Because as soon as you say those words, it’s like the ultimate sin. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. You’re labeled by some as a failure, and that’s a really hard pill to swallow.
The purpose of me sharing my story is not to “play the victim” or “come out of the closet”. It’s to help those of you struggling, whether with the decision to return to teaching or with bullies in your school or online.
The purpose of me sharing my story is to let you know that you are not alone.
My story has been one I’ve been very quiet about. If I’m really being honest with myself… it quietly started and festered the previous school year, but didn’t resurrect itself until the Fall of 2016 when I had my first panic attack.
You see, I’m a “yes!” person. I will do anything for anyone, especially my kids. I’ve always given teaching every ounce of who I am, for I was born to be a teacher. It’s this innate ability and intrinsic drive that I’ve had since I was in first grade.
“Do you want to be a mentor?” Yes!
“Do you want to coach track?” Yes!
“Do you want to be the lead SpEd teacher?” Yes!
“Will you do XYZ for us?” Of course!
| “There are some things you can only learn in a storm.”
My school life got to the point where I had met my match. I said yes to too many things and the intense pressures from higher ups broke me. Those magic powers of “you’re a really good teacher, here’s some more stuff for you to do” had me falling asleep on the couch at 6PM or taking Aleve PM to actually sleep, eating way too many comfort snacks, spending an obnoxious amount of time on creating resources for my kids due to lack of supports, strain on my personal life (because if I can just get this one thing done tonight [at home], it’ll lessen next week’s to do list)… it broke me.
Then something happened to me that fall that I still struggle to let go of. I really broke. For the first time in my life, I broke. I crashed. And it wasn’t a soft landing, it was a hard landing with no warning kind of crash.
My life is always in order, and even in chaos it’s more like organized chaos that always works out. I am a strong person. I am me, and that is my power.
But I am teaching, too. I am a teacher. Every ounce of who I am is a teacher, that’s what defines me, defines who I am as a person.
Except it doesn’t (or at least I’m slowly learning that).
| “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
After my first panic attack (my crash landing), I gave my notice. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I cried that entire night, I cried when I handed in my notice, and it still makes me sad. But I knew that I could not possibly give my kids, my school, my district 110% of me… when I wasn’t giving myself anything.
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety shortly after. I left teaching at the end January that school year, once my FMLA was approved and the district let me out of my contract, but the anxiety only worsened after I left.
People I worked with, friends that I had, didn’t know why I left. Partially my fault because I didn’t tell anyone (I was ashamed), so they all assumed I left teaching to pursue TpT full time, not really knowing how wrong they all were.
Quick witted comments turned to banter which ultimately turned into online bullying. You name it, I heard it.
“You’re not a teacher!”
“You left your kids, how dare you!”
“You aren’t a real teacher. You couldn’t even hold yourself together!”
“I would never leave my students in the middle of the school year. How selfish!”
“You’re a liar! What a fake!”
“Only true teachers stay in the trenches!”
I mean, honestly. Every single thing, I heard it. And it stung. Every single time.
Eventually, the people I used to work with found better things to do. It’s now summer 2017 and I’m still trying to accept this “new” me. This me with anxiety.
During this hard time in my life, I shared my journey with a select group of people. All people who I met online through Instagram or TpT, other teachers (many of whom also struggle with anxiety)… my tribe. People who got me.
But sometimes relationships fall apart. Trusted parts of your tribe become toxic and you have to walk away. That’s life, and it’s okay. But what happened after is not okay. Let me repeat, online bullying is not okay.
| “Just because my path is different than yours doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
My decision to not return for the 2017-2018 school year became a huge deal. My personal decision to get my life in order, deal with my anxiety first and go back to that person I was before I was diagnosed with anxiety meant nothing (let’s not even talk about how we knew we were moving and I didn’t want to leave mid-year again).
People who were my friends spread rumors among the online community. People who were my friends posted about me, talked about me, shamed me, called me names… publicly. And many people who were my “friends” that heard these things, stopped being my friend at the drop of a hat. Because I was no longer a teacher and I was lying. How dare they be associated with me.
And you know what. I was lying. I was lying to myself. Waking up every morning telling myself that I was okay. Telling myself that I could go back to who I was. But I wasn’t okay, and I can’t go back. But I played it off like that for a really good while.
The online shenanigans continued. I ignored them, but they’re like those tiny little gnats at a BBQ. Or the leeches at a bottom of a swamp. The thing about bullies is that they’re always there… waiting. Waiting for more ammo with nothing better to do. Bottom feeders.
2018 started out rough, and I ultimately decided to go see a psychologist to work through my anxiety. My psychologist was incredible and changed my life. I finally opened up to my husband and family about how I felt about everything that had happened (because up until this point they pretty much only knew that I had anxiety and I left the classroom because of it). I started being honest with myself, and I told my friends, my true tribe.
And you know what, they still love me. They’re still here. They aren’t ashamed of me or disappointed in me for the decisions I made. They’re proud of me for taking care of myself.
| “The comeback is always stronger than the setback.”
2018 Mrs. D is like the 6.0, super-charged version of Mrs. D… a great white shark in murky water. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Because of my struggles, I am a stronger person. I am a better person. I am a better wife, sister, aunt, friend, teacher. Yeah, I said teacher… because I am a teacher. I will always be a teacher.
And next year I look forward to returning to the classroom here in Georgia and continuing to fulfill my passion of educating children with special needs. My GA certification is already approved and ready to make a difference. I, also, look forward to my life with anxiety… because it’s part of who I am now and I’m okay with that.
So this is my message to you:
If you’re struggling in your current classroom or school, working in a toxic environment, or dealing with bullies (in school or online)… you aren’t alone.
The reality is teacher burnout is a thing. Stressed out teachers is a thing. Anxiety and depression is a thing. How do I know? Because I went through it.
You struggling and trying to pull yourself together, wiping tears of frustration from your eyes at 7:30AM as students walk through your classroom door is not healthy… for you or your students.
Coming in an hour early and staying 4 hours late is not healthy… for you or your students.
Scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest, looking at these “perfect classrooms” and comparing yourself to them is not healthy… for you or your students.
| “What God knows about me is more important than what others think about me.”
I got sucked into feeling the need to portray this perfect teacher life because of social media and what others have to say. But I don’t have time for it, and neither do you.
Teaching is tough, and it’s okay to take a step backward.
Your decision to leave your current teaching position does not define you.
Your struggles do not define you.
Your anxiety or depression does not define you.
Your decisions to take care of yourself first do not define you.
Teaching does not define you, and neither does your classroom.
It’s okay to need help and it’s okay to ask for help. You’re human, not perfect.
What it’s not okay to do is shame and bully others. You know nothing of our journeys. We all are dealing with our own insecurities, anxieties, and struggles. We deal with enough backlash from outside of our teaching community; we should be lifting one another up, not trying to tear others down.
So fix that crown. Your own crown, your friend’s crown, the new teacher’s crown, or anyone else’s crown who may be temporarily a little crooked.
Hand in hand we will stand together. And stand strong we will.
If any time you feel alone, need a nonjudgemental ear to vent to, or just someone to talk to… please reach out. I’m here for you. You are not alone. I promise to stand with you.
The next blog post in the teacher anxiety series: Moving Past the Trauma and Back to You – A Tribute to Teacher Anxiety
Thank you so much for this post!! I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and raising up like the Phoenix bird! I follow you from years ago and you inspire me to be better! I wish you nothing but the best in your new adventures! I am going back to teaching, now wowing a mom of two precious kids! So I might need an extra shoulder! Best wishes to you girl!!!
I have a shoulder for you anytime you need it! ❤️
OMG!!! What an awesome read. I think all teachers experience everything you mentioned at some point in their careers. I think it’s important to remember that we must take time to make sure we are emotionally stable for ourselves, our families, and our students. I will certainly share this with my team.
Thank you for posting that. I just wanted to say that I was searching online to check if any teachers have experienced what I experienced as a special education teacher. However, I teach children with emotional behavior disorders and never thought I’d let it affect me. I did see my dr right away and will be following up with a psychiatrist. I have been teaching for 2 years in this setting and 17 years in learning support. I was convinced that I will not return to teach again. I am having second thoughts now. Thank you for sharing your experience. I did follow you on Instagram, but recently unfollowed anyone that was a teacher or any communities in special education through Instagram. I have been home for 3 days now and I’m going on a leave for two weeks and feel so guilty I do want to stop teaching after having an anxiety attack from restraining a student. I’m still healing.
Hi Janet, you definitely aren’t alone! I recently created a second Instagram account that I don’t follow ANY teachers on. It helped more than I could have ever thought it would. I see only accounts that make me happy as a person, the me outside of the teacher me. But please know you aren’t alone. If you ever need anything, please reach out <3
This really hit home and is exactly what I am dealing with currently. I haven’t left mid year but the thought has been there. The only reason I haven’t is because I’m planning a wedding and need the income. I hoping next year will be better because I will be at a new school with better support. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Wishing you a quick snap of the fingers to your end of this school year, and a much better school environment next year <3 YOU are amazing!
I have experienced a lot of anxiety this year and have made the (very difficult) decision to leave special ed after 7 years. I will be teaching General ed for the first time next year. I’m nervous but need a change (at least temporarily). Thank you for sharing your story. Shame on anyone who is bullying you.
My anxiety took over January of 2017. At that time I was teaching in Bush Alaska and with my parents in Ohio for Christmas Break. Flying (more the dying in a plane crash) anxiety took over and I couldn’t get back on a plane. It was the hardest decision and I miss those kids but it was best for me at that time. I still have anxiety teaching high school special education vs. the elementary I taught while in Alaska but being able to go out and get comfort food on a bad day helps (there were no restaraunts in my village in Alaska). One day at a time and if I’m not feeling like my best self I use those sick and personal days.
Thank you for sharing your story!! As Special Education Teachers we often feel alone and overwhelmed by all that we are asked to take on every day!. We often forget to take care of ourselves. It’s good to know that there are others who feel the same way and are a shoulder to lean on!
Thank You for sharing your story! Really hits home even for this first year teacher. It’s been rough at times, but I quickly learned that going in early and staying late was only adding to my stress and anxiety. I’m thankful to be in a place where I know when I feel that way, I need to talk to someone (I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since high school). I wish you the best going forward and can’t wait to see where God takes you on this journey
You are one of my favorite people. We “met” in the worst of circumstances for our city, but our friendship and your openness with me has made me a better person and teacher! Love you Steph!
Oh Sam! I just love you!
Thank you for this beautiful post. It seems so hard for people to talk honestly about anxiety, but it is real and affects so many! My family and I moved to the Atlanta metro area last summer. Maybe we are close to each other! This area is going to be so blessed to have you in a classroom!
Thank you fo being so brave and vulnerable in sharing your story with strangers, friends, TPT followers and teachers in the trenches with you. Social media is fine balance of seeking comfort from fellow teachers but also competition. I’ve spent countless night scrolling through my instagram feed looking for ideas and getting inspired but on the other hand having that overwhelming sense that I’m not enough, or I’ll never get to be as great and put together like THAT teacher. This post hits home for me as I am considering taking off a year from ASD after 10 years and I feel like a failure. This was supposed to be my plan for my career; my ever after. I didn’t think to have a backup plan of what I else I wanted to do. However, my anxiety is through the roof, my kids and husband have taken a backseat and I’ve been so tired emotionally and physically as the years progressed that I thought it was normal. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my family, first and foremost.
You are NOT a failure. But I do completely and honestly understand how you feel. Teaching is my plan A through Plan Z. But you need to do what’s best for you, and a year off may be exactly what you need too!
Always here for you ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story! I too have had anxiety and left after day 1 one year. My resume is filled with a year here two years there… longest has been three years anywhere! It’s tough! I give all of myself to teaching including financially. I probably pay my district to teach after all the receipts are tallied. Good luck in GA! You seem an amazing teacher and the kids are lucky to have you!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m feeling everything you described and cannot decide what I should do, but I know I need a break from teaching what I currently teach, as this year has pushed me over the edge.
This post is what I needed. I’m in my 4th year teaching and already feeling burnt out and this year at a new school. I have often thought of taking a year to reset and try this again but then I think I’m new what is there to reset from. Hearing stories like yours shows me that maybe I should and if I do it’s ok I will survive! Thank you for sharing and Congrats on the position!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am a special education teacher…. Have been for 29 years. My husband’s job has had us move across country, more than once. That’s rough… but not as rough as leaving the last school that I worked at. Title 1 school. Very stressful job. 35 kid rosters (resource). I did it all…. Unofficial vice principal…. School disciplinarian…. Go to teacher…. Hundreds of hours of my life taken from me. Not to mention the countless hours of sleep, worrying about how I could do better. I got an opportunity to take a job, at a much smaller district…. With reasonable caseloads. I FELT GUILTY AS HECK. I FELT SELFISH. I FELT LIKE I WAS GIVING UP ON MY KIDS AND PEOPLE WHO NEEDED ME. But…. I was lucky enough to realize that I couldn’t keep up the pace, I had been managing for the past 8 years. This past summer was spent wringing my hands and worrying about what others were thinking. Fast forward to today! I am HAPPIER THAN ever in my new position. Love my job, my peers, my new families. I even have energy for my home life!! I am so thankful that you shared your story. To be honest, I just recently started following you…..and was beginning to wonder about your ‘story’…. Because I too, have had to leave schools in the middle of the year. I hope your new beginning is as bright as you dream it to be. Take care of yourself first!!! Without YOU at your best (mentally and physically), the rest won’t work! Stay strong and keep sharing! You are brave and beautiful….. INSIDE AND OUT! I applaud your strength!
Thanks for sharing this story and being so honest! I feel like your story has hit home with me on so many levels, but currently I’m dealing with the negative, disrespectful, drama queens and bullies of my school for being willing to step up and take a job/new position. A part of me thinks that is fine, I’ll be on my own island working alone, but I also know how that is not healthy. My school building is filled with way too many negative people who are not very helpful or happy! I hope that I can count on you to reach out to when the time comes to look for my tribe to help get me thru the rough days ahead!! You truly are an inspiration and I so appreciate you sharing your story!!
Congratulations on the new position! And yes, I’m here! Please reach out when you need it! ❤️
Steph this is so brave of you and very healthy. Your taking care of YOU!!!! Getting Help and good supports to help you be strong. More teachers suffer with anxiety then you know. As I deal with my mental health issues (depression and anxiety) having a support system is the best medicine . Teaching is tough especially with all of the demands placed on teachers now-don’t ever hold your head down or apologize for being you. Accepting you keeps you strong . You are not alone. I too suffer with anxiety and I’m a teacher couldn’t see myself doing anything else. Remember there are no perfect schools and teachers are not perfect so accept all of your blessings that you do have! Take care. I’m here for you too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m right there with you. After 24 years of teaching, I wish I could step away for a while to regroup and refresh, but I can’t financially. So I press on. I need to figure out how to let myself breathe. Your post and all the comments help me know I’m not alone, and somehow that is comforting.
Thank you for sharing. It has helped and will help a lot of people. It has help me too!
We love you. & more important than that God will always love you.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. This was me and in a way still is. I was ready to walk away in December but guilt and seeing how another burnt out teacher on my team was treated, I decided to stick it out for the remainder of the year. This has been the hardest decision and a daily struggle with tears at 7:30am as well. I admire your strength and your willingness to be open.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this. I have recently reached this point in my own career and reading your words have reassured me that the decisions I’ve made as of late were the right ones, and I need to let go of the guilt that I feel and accept the relief that is mixed in with it. Thank you!
Oh my goodness…I could swear you were talking about me. My first year as a special ed teacher…I was ready to hang it up before Christmas. Kinder collab is not easy, extreme behaviors along with that are not easy…but neither is all that with little to no support. There’s so much I would say but I don’t know if I could handle the backlash. Let’s add fibro to the mix. I didn’t renew my contract with the district I’m in at the moment either…and it was scary because I didn’t have another job to go to…but I also knew I could NOT do another year or I would surely die…literally. The bricks on the chest, the hyperventilation, the damage it has done to my personal life…to me…I can’t begin to describe it. Then add an hour 15 minute commute one way to all this. I’m in GA too, btw. I do have a job to go to in August…and it requires a full 5 hour move. It’s not the best decision for others for me to do this, but it’s going to be good for ME and right now I need to take care of ME. I have five more years to go until retirement. I can do this…
You are an inspiration! I am so sorry that all these horrible bullies and “friends” would do this to you!! It would sure be an amazing thesis to see how many special education teachers suffer from anxiety and I’m sure general education as well! I am a fellow anxiety sped teacher!! I did the yes ill do it and just went back for a masters with a special needs daughter and I need to go to the doctor because my anxiety is the worst I’ve ever had.
Welcome to Georgia! I moved here almost 8 years ago, and we love it here! Teaching is a calling you never left. ALthough you were not in your own classroom, you were with us in ours across the nation, and probably overseas as well. You have been patiently teaching US, helping us to find better ways to meet the needs of our students. Your influence was growing 100-fold, not shrinking. God brings us through many chapters during our lives. We do not go back to what we were because we have grown. We can only move forward, but as you know, there is no growth without change. Grow, move forward, change without fear, becuase as you walk with Him he tr new chapter.
Stephanie,
I had no idea! You are an amazingly strong and talented woman. I’m so proud of you for putting this out there and sharing your story. Not that the bullies need to know, but I hope they realize how much their comments hurt. I hope they see that they didn’t know the full story.
You’re fabulous. Most of all, you’re a teacher! ❤️
Thank you for being so open, candid, and vulnerable. Sharing helps those that feel alone in this struggle, as I have. It is such a difficult and soul wrenching process to go through. It took me 4 years to finally make the choice to leave the profession I love and was born to do. I left December 1st 2017 after 12 years with my district. When my body began manifesting my stress and anxiety I knew it was time to go. I am less stressed and 5 months later just beginning to process the toll it has taken on me. There’s a lot of guilt, but day by day I am gaining more pride that I am taking care of me first. I miss being a teacher, but I love that I can be a much better person, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, and a friend now. I don’t know that I will ever return to teaching, but I do know that whatever I end up doing, I will be better and stronger than before!!!
Thank you for sharing! As I entered the Special Education world, you and your resources made my days easier and my kiddos happier! I’ve learned a lot through you and am so grateful for all that you do and share!!!!
Thank you for sharing this. I actually left beginning of February this year due to many of the same reasons. My husband knew from month one that this new school wasnt right for me, and told me to leave then. Me , being the go getter that I am, brushed it off and felt that I needed to be there for the students, even though I was new to the school, district, town, and was basically on my own with very little to no support. My only resource I kept being referred to when I had questions, was basically a bully to me, so it took on all that pressure and responsibility on my own figuring things out. I started out by going in early, staying late, and even working at home. It started to consume my life. My “cup” was draining and wasnt being refilled. Eventually it rain out. I burned out, I got to school just before the bell rang, and waited at the door for the clock to strike 3pm. I cried in the car on my way to and home from work. I barely ate. I wasnt myself anymore. I just kept trying to make it to the end of each week…and it took me until February to realize that I wasnt being my true self, that’s not who I am…I couldn’t just “phone it in” the rest of the school year. The students didnt deserve it. And neither did I. Turning in my notice was one of the hardest things to do, and I still struggle with panic that it has branded me as a failure as I apply to other schools for the coming school year. What you said about My time away from the classroom, has been refreshing, I’ve been able to focus on me, my relationships and my family, doing things I like to do. As teachers we always put others needs before our own, so it was a breath of fresh air, being able to do things and work on things that fulfill my own needs. I really needed to read this, so thank you for sharing it! It is always good to know we are not alone.
It’s so moving to hear how we all go through the same thing…the bullying, the talk behind peoples backs…the anxiety
Sometimes on social media people who are just getting started (like me) cant help but think, “wow how can these people have their lives so together?!”
Thank you for the reminder that we are all human.
Thank you for the reminder that setbacks do not define us.
Thank you for loving yourself and us enough to share this!
O my gosh! I really needed this today! I have been struggling with the choice to leave teaching or not leave teaching. I have a young son and my husband’s job requires him to travel, and it has been getting to be too much to juggle it all. I have always had anxiety and depression it has just gotten so much worst this last school year. I feel like I am a failure as a teacher, wife and mother. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for sharing your story! I crashed and crashed so hard I ended up in the hospital for a week. My husband, therapist, and good meds helped me to start saying no. I also started leaving at 4:30pm done or not. I don’t take papers home. I had to learn boundaries—after 22 years of wearing myself out.
I’m actually a much better teacher because of the word no.
OMG! This very thing happened to me at the beginning of this school year. I was ashamed as well, but I felt like I was fighting for my life! The demands of a heavy case load, stress from getting pulled because I was the ONLY Sped teacher, and having to train a staff to boot broke me in a million pieces. I had to continue broken or take the broken pieces and get my life back. I resigned out the blue and spent some time at home. I didn’t care if money was coming (which in a sense was selfish), but I couldn’t continue teaching where I was. I was talked about, ridiculed, and criticized however I was brave enough to leave the negative environment to move on. It’s comforting to know that there is life on the other side of this. I now am back in the classroom and love my new assignment. I just pray for God’s grace to continue where I am. Thanks Mrs. D!
I’ve always been a huge promoter of your amazing materials and bragged about your blog. This makes me such a huge fan and supporter of yours. I know this must have been tough but I believe this happens to so many educators, especially in the special needs field. We don’t always see these huge gains in our students, it’s the little things that get us by sometimes. We differentiate everything we do, collect data, teach life skills, teach academics, constant behavior modification and this is only in our room. Most of us also go to help fellow teachers and by the end.. we have nothing else to give. You are such a strong woman and educator and I know this post of yours is going to help so many! It definitely has resonated with me.
Thank you for everything! 🙂
I am so glad that you shared your story. I deal with anxiety as well and tend to be yes person just like you described. I try to take care of myself, but I know I could do better. I am happy that you are willing to put this story out there so that other people can understand what goes on behind the scenes for so many teachers (and others) out there. You definitely have a lot of support out there!
I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. Panic attacks, depression, anxiety. It was terrible! I had to take some time off, see a counselor and go on medication for depression. I was lucky that I had friends at my school that understood and helped me through. Special education is very difficult, you are dealing with many different issues. Thankfully my friends and family were there to support me. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for sharing! Seriously! This is my life right now. Has been since around Christmas break of this year. I am currently struggling with the decision to return next school year or not. This is real! Anxiety is real! Teacher burn out is real!
I had been working at a school in a small district for 10 years. But I was driving almost an hour both ways. So I decided to apply at a much larger school district closer to home. I began working in a hostile environment inside my own classroom. The paras had been there before I came and were relentless in their quest for it to be like it was before. Eventually I shut down and went into survival mode. I spent time in the principal’s office and my psychiatrist’s office crying. The principal finally admitted that she believed it was all my fault. After telling her I was considering filing a grievance, one of the paras was removed and a new one hired. My classroom became more enjoyable and I survived the year. I debated whether or not to stay. I decided to apply for a job in a close by small district because there was a possibility of the return of the other para to my classroom. There were other negative aspects to this job that came from micromanagement from all of the support specialists at the district level. I got the new job I applied for and several people have told me how great it is to work at this school. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I also work in Georgia. Good luck with your new position and remember it is always good to say no.
Wasn’t sure it was possible …. but I love you more. Thank you for sharing.
Homeschool mom of twins with autism,
Holly
Thank you for post. Your honesty about this topic is very refreshing. I left a district that was toxic for me – elementary students cussing at me, hitting me, etc. I know if I had stayed I would have probably been in the same shape with anxiety as you as I was already having at least one drink each night and sometimes more. After the year was over and I was done at that school, I was asked if I wanted a drink and I said no, I’m good, and I was.
You’re not alone!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’ve gone through very similar experiences with “colleagues” each time I left my district because we moved out of state. No one bothers to come directly to you to talk, they find it way easier to say the nastiest things behind your back and the comments circulate back to you. I’vd cut people out of my life thinking we were teacher friends and when I moved, they stopped talking to me. They were using me for my generosity and always giving, giving, giving but never getting anything back in return.
What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. I have severe anxiety that I work through and take medicine for. We each find our own ways to deal with the pressures to be the perfect teacher and I struggle with saying “no” and sometimes my “no” means yes, that I’ll do things just to get them done, to get people off my back. We do what we love and give so much of our time, energy and love into what we do and it’s exhausting!
I’m still figuring out my journey and what I need to be better for me.
This post really hit home for me. I have been depressed pretty much this whole school year. It is encouraging to know that you were courageous enough to put yourself first. That is hard to do. I am so sad that fellow educators were not understanding to what you were going through and I pray that you will have strength in this upcoming school year because you are truly an awesome educator!!!
Thank you so much for posting this. I stumbled upon your page for a resource and just started receiving email updates about your blog a week ago and I think I was meant to, to read this post. I was in my dream job, with amazing students with special needs, loving my job until things changed with my teaching partner. I’m not sure why things changed, and suddenly we weren’t friends or even colleagues. I was bullied about my students’ progress, classroom, training of my assistants, and felt like I wasn’t good enough. My husband switched careers this past winter and started to pursue his passion which meant a big pay cut for our family budget but he’s happy. I found myself crying at night because I could see the passion he has for his job and I lost that. I love my job inside the four walls of my classroom but have extreme anxiety about when I leave my room…what are people hearing, what will my administrator change, will I lose all my support staff…I lost my passion, my drive. So I took a chance and bid on another job in my district. I’m walking away from my dream job and students I love because it is not fair to them, to me, to my husband, or my one year old daughter to remain a part of a negative situation. I’ve received emails from parents who are sad I’m switching positions and I’ve cried more. I’m terrified of a new position, of not being perfect, of not meeting the needs of the new students I’m working with, and if the students who were in my class will regress with a new teacher. So thank you, thank you for posting and reminding me that it’s okay to change, to take care of me so I can take care of others. I’m hoping my anxiety will decrease and I will find my passion again. Maybe someday I’ll switch back to what was once my dream job or maybe I will follow a new dream. You are amazing from what I’ve read and I pray that you remain strong despite the negativity. I worry for my daughter and students because adults are bullied and it’s hard to cope with as an adult so what will a child do. I hope your post changed a few minds about what is okay to post and increases understanding.
Thank you for telling your story Stephanie. I also left mid year to a classroom just down the hall into a teaching environment that I knew would be much better for me. I do not miss the panic attacks my previous position caused. I too have faced criticism and passive aggressive comments from staff at my school. But…I hold me head up and go forward with confidence that I did what was best. I’m so much happier, and I’m sure you will be as well. Thank you again.
I am 49 years old and I have been struggling with panic disorder/anxiety since I was in kindergarten. I am determined to be the teacher I did not have when I was growing up. It’s nice to know that none of us have it “all-together.” Thanks for sharing this!
Thank you so much for sharing! After 25 years I too had my first panic attack at school. I was crying for now reason, couldn’t breathe, and it all started when I pulled into the parking lot. This began heavily in January. I lost my dad in September from an illness over 2 years. Trying to take care of him, family , school kids, all the other I just can’t anymore. I am retiring from my position at the end of May. I have a peace. Your experiences mirror mine with the environment I’m in, bullying, and my feelings of guilt. But I’ve given all I have. I will still be teaching but in a small private school with amazing support.
Again , I’m so glad you shared and that we’re not alone. Best wishes in the news hill year.
Thank you. You are brave and honest and you ARE a teacher. Thank you for this.
I really appreciate your sharing. After almost 14 years of teaching, and 12 as a sped teacher, I really know where you’re coming from. The worst part for me is the whole teacher evaluation system and all of the extra expectations outside the classroom. I hope starting up again next year that you can maintain your boundaries. This has been a crazy year for me because we are so understaffed. Six more weeks!
I left a self-contained special education teaching position because I worked for a bully. The principal was brand new, inexperienced, and was impossible to work for. I was lucky because my husband has a job with benefits so after 1 month of endless stress, impossible demands, and abuse, I was able to leave my job with my professional reputation in tact (HR said that I would not have to ever list their district on my resume). Unfortunately, I have not been able to secure another teaching position in my field of special education….I am 56 years old and compete with teachers right out of school. And the experience I had with that principal affected me in so many ways, the worse being my confidence was shaken and I have a deep fear of working for any other principal.
You mention that leaving a job doesn’t define you. This is something I will try to meditate on as I’ve felt much guilt tempered with a lot of jealousy over others getting employment and deep despair over the thought I many never teach professionally again.
Thank you so much for your courage in telling your story.
Thank you for sharing such a painful time with us. I find you so inspirational before and after this post.
Truer words have never been communicated. All the best to you in Georgia!
Hi Stephanie,
What a powerful and meaningful post. I am so happy you took the time that you needed for yourself! Our career choices ( in the USA or Canada – where I teach) can sometimes become all too encompassing! Instead of the career/job we strived to attain in teachers college, it can become a total way of life and this is not good. We are a group of special individuals and our jobs should not define who we are. I am so happy for you that you could walk away from the “nay sayers” and get your life back. Congratulations on making that BIG decision – the right decision for YOU!
Good Luck with your move – I’m enjoying your Instagram posts!!! All my best ~ Laurie
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a Special Education teacher diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety. I am on my 10th year. This time every year, I sign my contract. I come back every August because it pays my bills, but deep down I am not happy. I am burned out. I don’t know what it is like to be in a job that makes me happy. I used to love teaching but the demands just kept piling up. The love for teaching is gone. This year was very hard due to losing my dad in Dec 2017.
So scared to take the leap and leave teaching for good.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been struggling this year like never before. I begged my husband not to make me return to work. I have never delt with so many intense and raw emotions from myself as I have this year.
I have been a special education teacher for 17 years. I love this job and cannot imagine doing anything else. However, for the first time in my career, I hit a low. I had 4 panic attacks in 2 months, was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and wanted to walk off my job and not return. 2018 has been a horribly challenging year in so many ways. Due to my anxiety and depression, not only was I failing at my role as teacher, but I was also failing at my role as wife, mother and as myself. I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried up until students arrived, I cried as soon as they left. I would fall asleep before my own children were tucked in, but then would lay awake from 1-4AM. I was a wreck. Medication has helped, as has talking with a therapist. However, I am still not the same me as before.
Despite thinking and talking about leaving my job mid year, I have not. The only thing that has kept me going is that I need the money and the insurance benefits to take care of my own babes. I am trying to figure out a way to make it work for me to take a year off, but it is not easy. I just know I would come back a stronger me if I did.
Reading your story, I heard so many parallels. Thank you for sharing it. You are a brave, strong and amazing person for being able to do what you need to do for you. I commend you!
You are an amazing teacher! I’m glad you took some time to heal. I had a similar situation around the same time. I was working with very high behavior students in a non-public school and had been there for over 6 years. It was my comfort zone but it was slowly killing me. I have depression and anxiety and that school was just too much for me. I left and embarked on a new adventure and I’m so glad I did. Change is hard for me but it was my best move yet! Keep plugging away and doing what you do, we love you!
Thank you so much for posting and sharing your story. My intern year broke me. I lost count of how many panic attacks I had in a day. My psychologist told me to quit, I did. I didn’t think teaching was for me. I eventually was offered a teaching position and finished my credential. I now love what I do as a teacher. I don’t push myself like I did my intern year. I still struggle with anxiety and depression and I know I always will. Thank you for letting teachers like me know we’re not alone; you’re not alone!
Thank you so very much!!! I hope to one day share my story!
Such a great read! You are brave for letting us in and for that we thank you. Last year, I walked out determined to find a new career. A better position came open for this year at the last minute in a different district. It is SO much better but I still struggle with teaching five years into. We work twelve to sixteen hours a day almost seven days a week, have very little personal lives and spend a crazy amount of our own money. It is amazing people still think we do nothing.
Last year I left a teaching job I’d had for 10 years because of anxiety attacks! I moved back to my home town with my family & I haven’t had any anxiety related to my new teaching job!
The hardest part about leaving that job was leaving my coworkers, we were like family/my tribe! They didn’t understand why I would want to leave. I never let anyone know the pain I was in. I always put a happy face on, even when my heart was racing. I could never get enough confidence to tell them it was because I was having anxiety attacks. I felt ashamed and felt like I couldn’t tell them.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are truly inspirational and I am so sorry that grown adults are bullying you! I praise the Lord that you have gotten the help that you needed and are ready to go back.
I am finishing up my 30th year teaching students with Intellectual Disabilities. I love my students and my job but have had times like you where I just wanted to hang it up. Special education is so rewarding but can take such a toll on your life.
Of all my years, this has been my hardest one. My administrator is only 33 years old and taught all of 3 years. He thinks he knows everything and has been really hard on me this year making suggestions of things he wants me to do when he doesn’t even know what I do. I have always done a good job with my program and he wanted me to change what wasn’t “broken” and this year I have felt like I have to defend what I do more than ever. Lots of tears and feeling low but I don’t stay at school like I use to and that has helped. I also haven’t put 100% into my job this year which is okay for now. If I had my choice, I would work on scrapbooks and decorating but that doesn’t pay for our new house or my husband’s needs (he has a disability) . smile! But my attitude is changing and I feel more excited about next year and making changes. I am also blessed with a great team of para professionals. But the summer will be a great time to recharge.
I wish you all the best as you start in a new school next year. May the Lord continue to bless you
It was definitely meant for me to read this as I lay here still awake at 10:55 pm due to anxiety over what tomorrow may bring. This has been one of the toughest years. I have been hit, spit on, hair pulled, cursed at repeatedly this year. I’m not sure how much more I have in me.
I hope you are feeling much better now and you are looking after yourself. It often saddens me when teachers are unkind to each other. Teaching is a stressful job, teaching special ed even more, so it would make sense to show kindness and support towards each other. I am sure every one of us feels frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed or emotionally depleted at least every now and then.
I am not close to you geographically, so I cannot offer you a tangible shoulder to cry on, but I can offer you a virtual one and a listening ear. I am a good listener, so if you need, reach out. 🙂 I am here.
Thank you so much for sharing and being brutally honest with the community. The only way to rid our society of the stigma of any mental issues is to make people aware that it is not uncommon to feel anxiety and/ or depression. It happens like catching a cold happens.
I am glad that you have found your “real people,” who will always be there for you. Sometimes it takes an episode in one’s life to discover who your true loves really are.
I am happy that you are feeling better enough to go back to what you love, just be on the lookout, as anxiety and depression hide very well, especially when they know you know them. Sneaky, they are, keep your eyes opened wide. My comments come from experience, as you may have guessed! It’s a constant, don’t let your guard down.
Thanks for sharing.
In 2014 my teacher burn out came with huge depression. You pretty much described me above. After seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist over a period of time, I gave myself 24 months to open my own autism learning centre. for my autistic daughter. It only took me 11 months before I opened the doors to Incredible Minds Adaptive Learning Centre here in Durban, South Africa! Resigning from teaching and concentrating on my child was my best ever! I now have a tiny little school of 3 classes, 7 per class and my team and I are changing lives!
THANK YOU for sharing this!!! I am a first year SPED teacher (K-2nd grade class) and I have been dealing with A LOT of anxiety this year. I feel enormous pressure and stress every day. Sometimes it’s all I can do not to go home after school and literally sleep until the next morning.
I so appreciate your honesty 🙂
Also, screw the haters. You’re awesome.
Thank you so much for this! Words just cannot express! I had the most difficult class in 28 years and the fifth principal in four years, who just sat on his hands. I had been diagnosed with bipolar depression, PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety disorder the summer of 2017. I walked out on a Monday in Oct of 2017. I didn’t tell anyone except my principal and supt. I left all of my things there for whomever they got to fill my place and had my kids come pick up the rest on my planning. No one had a clue. They still don’t, because I’m not willing to open myself up to their anger and telling me I’m wrong. I couldn’t give those kids all of me, because it had become basically crowd control. Students had physically threatened me and nothing was done. Our whole state walked out in April. They went back. I can’t. Maybe at some later date. Maybe I’m done. I don’t know. But I can’t give all of me of if I don’t have all of me to begin with. I’ve changed in profound ways. I miss my kids and I still have past students reaching out to me on social media regularly. I can’t be who they need and that’s fair to no one. Thank you for this. I’m not alone.
This really hit home for me. I am no longer at a school teaching and I miss the kids. However, I do NOT miss the absolute stress and demand of my time and resources. I’m a much happier person being out of that environment. Now I know that not every school is like that. I do think it comes down to a lot of situations including faculty, and the principal. I just tell myself I did my best, I am proud of who I was, and now I’m on to another chapter in my life. Thank you for being honest! You are a special breed. Lots of love to you.
Hi Lisa,
I’ve found myself in a similar situation; had awful experiences with principals and administration that have left me fearful of working as a teacher again. I too miss the kids and I feel a large sadness every time I log into Pinterest and see my education boards. I’m not yet at the point of kissing it all goodbye although that decision may be made for me as I’ve been unlucky securing another job in teaching. I’m curious to know if you are pursuing another type of work or remaining in some part in education? I’ve tried substitute teaching and I found it to be difficult, boring, and draining and I’m not sure I want to go the para-ed route yet.
Your reply post is encouraging to me as I’ve been beating myself up for leaving the teaching profession due to the problems I’ve faced but at the same time seeing teachers who remain and can or choose to deal with the issues I experienced where I could not. To read your remarks that you did your best is helping me to realize that I too should focus on that.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is a breath of fresh air! After reading it I am more confident in my choices to care for myself so I can be and have the life I’m happy to wake up to.
You are a blessing to many!
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your personal struggle. I am experiencing the burn out right now and I hate the felling. I love my kids, I love my job but I am just tried. My family is tried of me always doing school stuff on the weekends and not spending time with them. I have to opportunity to move district this year and I am really looking at doing it. I need a change of scenery and maybe moving will help. I love the items that you have on TPT’s( maybe too much :)) I will miss my kids and my teacher friends but I think I need move on and see what the future holds.
I am so impressed that you did stop and take care of yourself. Please don’t listen to the haters and the people that were not living YOUR life. You have been so supportive to all of us who are fans and appreciators of what you do. You have made my life easier by allowing me to use your creativity when I had none. My students have been enriched by what you share. I am a special education teacher that feels your pain. I have a class I adore in a school I use to love, but everything has changed over the past couple of years. Next year I am moving to a new school , in a new Sped setting that I am not familiar with because I could take that position or find another one, if I was lucky. My unit is being absorbed by other schools and I am losing the students I have worked with for several years. My work life has been shaken upside down. This is happening all over my district and not to me alone, so there are many of us feeling panicked, anxious, and overwhelmed. I am sending your article to everyone I know that needs something to remind them that they will be okay.
God bless you. Stay strong!❤️
Thank you for sharing your story! There is truly so much power in that. Your gifts go far beyond the classroom, you’ve transformed the lives of so many including MY students! Keep on girl! Only you know what is right for you so continue to trust trust trust and ride these waves.
This was an amazing story to share! I was burnt out about a year or so ago (right after I had my daughter). I should’ve taken the year off but all my teacher friends pressured me to stay in the same way you were bullied. I will tell you I was a HORRIBLE teacher that year. And I felt guilty and anxious the whole time. I left mid-year in March. My “friends” at my previous school no longer talk to me because I did. But I needed the break and so did my baby at home. I’m teaching this school year at a new school and everything feels a million times better. I actually can plan engaging lessons rather than just being there because I have to.
Being in the classroom is not what makes you a great teacher. In the past two years I have read your blog and watched your videos a million times to strengthen my skills in my classroom this year. That “virtual coaching” has helped strengthen classrooms and teachers all over the states. So you may not physically be in your own classroom but you are definitely in classrooms all over the place.
I completely identify with your story. I think some of the BEST teachers are also their own worst critics. I had the worst teaching year of my life last year- I got shingles at 27 years old, and found out early this school year that my prolonged stress had completely depleted my body of cortisol and essential hormones (hence the falling asleep at 6pm thing). On the outside, I had it all together, but inside my body was screaming for a break. We teachers need more honesty about the importance of self-care! Thank you for sharing your story. I know many teachers can identify.
Mid way through my Fall semester, senior year in student teaching in a high school, my mother passed away and I was a single mother to a 5 month old. I took two weeks off from school and student teaching. When I came back, I was essentially told that I should get over it. And I tried very hard to keep it together the rest of the semester but I had a horrible lead teacher that literally once left the campus to go shopping while I taught and would never show up for planning. When I tried going to my supervisor regarding the problems I was told that I was lying and I wasn’t working hard enough. I left college at the end of the semester. I couldn’t take it anymore I developed depression and anxiety over everything that happened and how I was treated. Unfortunately, I never went back, but am now a preschool teacher starting over working on an ECE degree online.
Thank you for being so brave to share this! People need to know they aren’t alone. We also need the reminder that we don’t need to have that picture perfect classroom you see on instagram or Pinterest.
Thank you! Your story & view of mental health and self care have made me feel better. I’m overwhelmed heading into a new grade level, new district, and more changes. I’m anxious and afraid things won’t go right. – thank you for reminding me that I’m not perfect. And things definitely won’t go right but I’ll be okay. And my mistakes don’t define me as a teacher but my support of my students day in and day out does.
Thank you.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing! I have had to stop following the “perfect” teachers on instagram because I was starting to feel like I wasn’t living up to the standards of what a true special education teacher should be. I myself suffer from PTSD from a rocky past and having worked with very aggressive students for 7 years. I loved those kids, but I had to leave if I wanted to keep my sanity. I miss them to pieces because I felt like I was one of the very few teachers that cared 100% for them, but I had to step away to care for my mental health. I left that job to what I thought was my dream job to be treated so poorly that I would cry almost daily. I cared for the kids so much, but I was given more and more kids and work that I finally snapped. When they didn’t renew my contract it was a blessing in disguise. I finished out the year for the kids. I didn’t do it for anyone else. The high ups did not support me or stand behind me on anything. I left that classroom not knowing where I would I would end up. I applied for 20 plus schools and got not a single interview. I was devastated. I loved teaching, but thought maybe I was blacklisted and should just go work in another field. A principal from a small town called me where I didn’t even know existed and offered me a job. I started in August, and it has been a blessing. The students are great, the school is amazing, and the staff are even better. I don’t cry daily on my way home anymore. I don’t dread going to school anymore. I know how it is for you. I am sorry that people did not support you and said terrible things about you for doing what was the right thing for you. You have to do what is the best for you. You must come first. If you aren’t at your best, then the students will suffer. Thank you again for sharing your story.
Thank you!
Thank you for your post. I was hospitalized the September of my first year teaching with severe anxiety. I quit my job and thought i was done. But, My husband got a new job and we moved to a new city. After a year of therapy, I decided to go back into the classroom and taught for 12 years. There are tough days…and I’ve had years that were harder than others. I took the 17-18 school year off…thinking I was done for sure, but I found that I miss teaching. So…I’m starting back to school tomorrow in a new district after a year off. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone!
Thank you for sharing! I absolutely was a wreck two years ago when I worked in an ED classroom. Every day I was crying and shaking before going to work and still I wouldn’t allow myself to quit because I felt guilty. After that year I thought I would never work in special ed again.
THANK YOU for your authenticity and vulnerability!!! I feel so connected to you because of how REAL you have been in your posts and social media presence. Many people are probably feeling similar emotions that you described but are too afraid to say something. Thank you for being BRAVE. While I am so sorry for your stuggle with anxiety (from one anxiety gal to another), I also know that God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. He is using what may feel like a dark time in your life to be the LIGHT to the world. Thank you for embracing it and for taking time to so beautifully articulate your journey in an effort to help others and make a difference. You are amazing. Thank you for being you! Praying for you.
I am so happy I happened upon your Instagram and saw your story. I went back to teaching last year,after staying home with my daughters for years but it was time for me to get my career back and I was ecstatic to be in the classroom again! I didn’t end up finding a teaching job until the end of September so I had no chance to “set” the tone in my classroom. The classroom I stepped into was complete bananas and there was no help from my principal, it’s as though she was oblivious to anything negative happening at all. Two days in I got my first anxiety attack ever. I have never had anxiety, I have had nerves of steal throughout my life, but this situation just took me down. I wanted to quit within the first week and since I hadn’t signed a contract felt like it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m not a quitter, so I finished out the year. Now I am fully engulfed with anxiety thinking about starting this next school year in a week. I am at a differently school completely and I really have no idea if the situation will be better. This school could be wonderful but I am just anxious because it is still in the same district as the last school and I am unsure that the approach will be drastically different. I am hoping for the best but I was utterly taken aback last year by how much my anxiety gripped me. Thank you for sharing because I have had the exact same thoughts and if need be its encouraging to know others who have stepped away as well.
Thank you for this! I have traveled your road! I left mid year this past year, hardest thing I ever did but also the BEST thing for me! Your story was me EXACTLY!! Proud of you and your decision, remember we come first, we can’t help others if we don’t help ourselves first. Big HUGS!! Makes me feel good to not be alone on my journey…
It’s a shame that anyone would ever think anything less of you for taking the time to take care of yourself. We as teachers are expected to wear so many hats and uphold to so many (sometimes unrealistic) standards. We put others, our students, before ourselves. In order for us to be our best self, we must take care of ourselves. I respect you and all that you’ve shared. I have spent many days, planning periods, before/after ARD meetings, etc. crying in my classroom or helping fix a friend’s “crooked crown”. I’m excited to hear about your adventures back into the classroom, I sure hope you share!
First, thank you for your post. I know it has helped many teachers. Second, I hate that so many people bullied you. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you. It stinks to find out the people who had your back,didn’t really have it at all. It sounds like you made the best decision for you and your family. I am happy you are feeling better and are ready to go back to the classroom. I can’t wait to read about it!
Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so authentic. You are a rockstar! I too felt bullied by my teacher peers at work. Leaving a toxic situation was the best thing I did for myself. The world especially the teacher world needs to hear more courageous stories like yours!